If you have been following me for a while, you probably know that I have been in and out of therapy for the majority of my life. Recently, since moving to Iowa, I’ve been going once a week and sharing openly about it on social media. I just feel like mentally, I am in the best place I have ever been and I am so proud of how far I have come. Because let me tell you, it has been an extremely rocky road for me over the years.
Yesterday in my session, my therapist (he always has the best analogies I swear) said something to me that resonated with me so deeply, I had to share. We were discussing a lot of my own personal growth over the last few months since starting with him, and I made a comment about how even though the anxiety is still there, I find myself realizing more and more that this world I now live in is real. It’s not chaotic, I’m not hiding myself from the person I love, and I sometimes even have a hard time believing that everything is the way it is. So he replied:
“Sometimes when you’re in such a terrible situation for so long, you don’t realize how much it impacted you until you’re no longer in the situation…even years later. It’s like if you lived at sea. You would feel the waves rocking every day, maybe get sea sick, but it would just be another day at sea exactly like all the other days. Then when you finally get to land, you’re like, “holy shit this is what it feels like to be grounded?” and sometimes, your mind will play tricks on you. You will feel like you are still rocking, or you will get scared of something that you don’t actually have to be scared of since you’re no longer at sea. But the mind and the body remember things, and you can’t help that. So when you reach land, and you’ve been on land for a while, the rocking slowly starts to fade. You appreciate being on land so much because you feel so secure. And that’s kind of what it’s like when you find yourself and you feel comfortable with who you are, and who you are with.”
And I know there is always that fine line of letting a relationship BE your entire life vs. letting your relationship ENHANCE your life, so please don’t misconstrue what I am saying here. Austin helped me grow in this sense without even realizing it. This relationship did not CHANGE me, it ALLOWED me to be ME, and somehow Austin fell in love with me for that. It allowed ROOM for individuality, not control or conformity, and planted seeds in both of our souls that helped us blossom both individually and together.
Each day I wake up incredibly thankful that I get to love such a wonderful human being, but also that this human being chooses to love me every day despite my flaws and imperfections. But more importantly, this bond that we have created is truly indescribable. My best friend, the person I want to laugh with and share stories with every day, this is the person that helps me become a better me. The best part? I didn’t NEED him to do that. I simply opened myself up to him, and he helped me plant those seeds. I am stronger now on my own because of this. I am more secure now more than ever with who I am as a person, and also who I am not.
I wasted so much of my life “at sea” if you will. Unsure of a lot of things (myself included) toxicity, thinking certain things in life were “normal” that in my opinion, absolutely should not be. This relationship does not define me, but rather, encourages me daily to express myself in my truest self, and never holds me back from any of the beauty that life has to offer.
So I suppose the purpose of this blog is obviously to also express myself 😉 but to encourage you to get off of the rocking boat if you’re on it. I spent years of my life rocking, being terrified, and only realized how wonderful being on land is once I was off.